Someone Special
by Nayru-chan
Summary: Alma was someone special to Kanda, wasn't he? The snow-haired boy wondered if he could ever become someone special to the Japanese as well... Yullen


**Nayru's Note: **This is a short something I got the inspiration to write after reading DGM manga chapter 198. I have no idea how the whole ordeal with Alma will end, or course, but I wrote what I wanted to believe in and I simply wanted to see Kanda and Allen _talk_ about it. So there you go.

**Pairing:** Kanda/Allen

**Warnings:** Spoilers till manga chapter 198 (obviously), overuse of a particular sentence, lots of angst and some not-so-detailed descriptions of blood and gore. Also, possible OOCness (especially from Kanda's side) and some... fluff.

* * *

**~Someone Special~**

* * *

It's been five days since they returned to the Order.

Not even a whole week had passed and so much has changed. In his life and... probably in someone else's life, too.

Allen figured he was lucky that Cental even left him alive after what happened. After all, Rouvellier had seen it with his own eyes. He's seen how the Noah in him awakened. How his skin became ash-gray. How he changed, losing consciousness, after being stabbed... with Kanda's sword.

It was then when he formally met with the Fourteenth for the first time, finally discovering the Noah's real name. He wasn't sure what happened after he passed out. He was positive that the talk he had with Nea took place in his subconscious. And as quickly as it started, it was over even faster. Next thing he knew, he was back. Back at their battle site, together with Kanda, Alma and everyone else.

It was then when he's seen it. His left eye activated, as if wanting to show him something important. And once Allen realized who Alma really was–

_"DON'T SAY ITTTTT!"_

The sight of that panicked face kept showing and the words echoing in his mind every time he recalled the events. Alma wanted him to keep quiet about it, but why? Didn't Kanda have the right to know? Wasn't that the reason for which he kept on living? For the sole purpose of finding that answer?

It was mere seconds after, when Alma decided to catch Kanda in a firm embrace, trying to self-destruct... intending to take the Japanese with him. And as the brightness of the explosion blinded him and the impact sent him flying with a force so strong he couldn't breathe... Allen feared that it would be the day in which he would lose Kanda forever.

When the blast finally faded and the white-haired boy's vision cleared, the sight he witnessed was horrifying at first. With all the blood and bits of flesh and broken bones scattered all around him. But he waited and waited and prayed to a God he didn't even believe in, telling himself that not all hope was lost yet.

He was patient. And as the broken mass started to move before his very eyes, his patience was rewarded. He watched the whole process with a curiosity he never thought that he even had in him to begin with, and a feeling of relief overcame him every time a new piece of puzzle joined the bigger picture.

Allen wasn't sure what it was that he found so fascinating about it. The sole ability of overcoming death in such a horrid way or the simple fact that it was _Kanda_.

How ironic was it, looking back at their differences and never ending quarrels, that once Allen realized he could never see or talk or fight with the Japanese ever again, he'd probably miss him more than anyone else he actually knew.

Someone once told him that one gets to acknowledge their biggest treasure only after one loses it. The white-haired boy finally understood that the words couldn't be more true.

It took a couple of long hours for Kanda to regain his shape and regenerate back to his normal self. But Allen stayed there and watched. And once it was over, and Kanda finally looked like he remembered him looking, he thought he'd throw himself at the Japanese and squeeze him to death out of sole joy, ignoring whatever objections and threats that would most likely be thrown at him.

He did nothing of the sort, however.

Once Kanda was back to his feet out of his own accord, he threw Allen a short glance. The boy failed to describe the expression that was being shown to him, though. And before the white-haired even managed to say anything, Kanda went ahead to pick up Mugen (Allen found it and brought it near them while he waited) and turned to leave without a word.

Allen wondered if the Japanese could actually comprehend anything just yet, remembering his words and the way he acted after he regained consciousness when the Noah brought him to this place at first. This time the damage was devastating, so it should have been more logical. The white-haired figured that Kanda didn't even notice the view of a setting sun, thus realize that it was almost evening and that he waited here for him half of the day, while everyone else left in need of some serious medical attention.

They'd probably drag Allen to the infirmary despite the boy's protests, too, had they been in a state in which they could actually function properly.

That was the last time he's seen Kanda.

Five days have passed in the Order, and not once did he stumble upon the Japanese – be it at the infirmary or the cafeteria or the training halls. He had no idea if the dark-haired man was avoiding him or not, but it wasn't like Allen actually... looked for him, either.

He wasn't sure what he wanted. He felt like talking to the Japanese, but at the same time he didn't want to. Would Kanda even want to talk to him once they met? What would he tell him?

_"DON'T SAY ITTTTT!"_

Allen inhaled deeply, staring at the ceiling of his room, sprawled on top of his bed.

It's also been five days since he was left alone without any surveillance. Link ended up badly hurt during the whole ordeal and was recovering in the infirmary, and Rouvellier was apparently also in such a bad shape that he couldn't assign anyone new to look after him. Hell, everyone was badly hurt after what happened.

He visited his friends a few times, and the only consoling thing about it was the fact that neither of their conditions were too serious.

Normally, Allen would be laying in the infirmary himself. But surprisingly, the wounds he received were almost as good as healed, even though they were far from small the moment he got them. He suspected it was because of the Fourteenth's awakening, which somehow influenced the regeneration speed of his body. The wounds weren't completely gone yet, but they didn't bother his movements anymore, and Allen could walk around the Order with ease.

Which led to the fact that he and Kanda were probably the only Exorcists that weren't tied to their beds in the infirmary. And aside from the few people that were still left inside the Order, they were almost the only ones here.

The fact that he didn't encounter or even see Kanda even once during those five days made him feel uneasy. It made him wonder if Kanda was even there to begin with. What if Kanda left? What if he...

Allen's thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a loud, growling noise. And the moment he noticed how hungry he actually was, he figured that visiting the cafeteria was a good idea.

* * *

It shouldn't have been surprising that the hallways of the Order were empty and quiet, and the fact that it was the middle of the night wasn't the reason. The white-haired boy didn't see a single soul during his whole way to the cafeteria. The place of his destination was empty as well, save for Jerry.

Allen ordered the usual. And after a short moment, he was taking a seat at one of the nearest tables.

Giving the pile of food before him one last glance, he started to stuff himself to his heart's content.

"The usual."

The boy stopped in his advances immediately, probably too occupied with his food earlier to notice anyone entering the cafeteria in the first place. Carefully, his gaze shifted to the counter, and he thought – hoped? Feared? – the man he's seen the last time five days ago was standing there, getting his usual portion of soba.

Allen had no idea what he was suddenly getting so nervous for, but he couldn't help it. And–

The boy tore his gaze away from the Japanese when the other turned to look back at him. Allen anchored his sight at the food before him, a heavy feeling appearing in his gut. He had no idea what was wrong with him all of a sudden, but he sure as hell didn't want to lose this opportunity.

Kanda was right _there_ and he could finally talk to him – all he needed to do was act. So what was he doing, sitting there like some kind of idiot, trying to act unaware of the other's presence? Where was this anxiety coming from?

Allen thought he'd fall out of his chair when he heard a sudden 'thump' and he was dumbfounded to see Kanda taking a seat... at the same table, right before him. The white-haired couldn't help but look in the other's eyes again, as if drawn to those black pools by some kind of unseen force. And just like last time – he failed to read the emotion on the Japanese's face, but it seemed different from the one he used to remember. It was... more soft, maybe. More gentle. More kind.

"I want to have a word with you."

Kanda was the once to break the silence, and the sole words, spoken calmly, made Allen stare at him in bewilderment. It was after a short moment, in which the Japanese stared at him intently, did the boy realize that the other was waiting for some sort of reaction.

"...Um, sure." He said the first thing that came to his mind, blinking at the man's apparent willingness to talk.

"Just... not here. Somewhere more private." The Japanese suddenly continued, set on starting to eat his meal. "My room; your room. Wherever you want."

The more Kanda went on, the more Allen couldn't believe his ears. Not only wanted the man to _talk_, he didn't mind inviting him to his _room_? As much as the boy felt surprised and happy from the offer – he also started to feel unbearably nervous. He couldn't help but wonder whether something serious happened or if Kanda was simply going out of his bloody mind.

And again, Allen was reminded that someone was waiting for an answer here. But as much as he wanted to see how Kanda's room actually looked like...

"Link's not there, so we can go to my place... if you don't mind."

As much as he wanted to see it, he didn't want to be a bother, and he'd definitely feel uneasy inside the other's room. Besides, Kanda could always leave his whenever he'd feel like to, so this option was for the better.

"Good."

For a moment more, Allen watched the man before him start his soba as if nothing.

He finally got a hold of himself and continued where he left off as well.

The rest of the meal and their walk to Walker's room passed in complete silence.

* * *

With a few last steps they were finally there, and Allen encouraged Kanda to come inside, as he opened the door to his room and turned the light on. He didn't bother tidying anything up before he left – seeing as he didn't expect any visitors – so the bed was one big mess (the sheet and cover crumpled in all directions) but he didn't think the Japanese would mind or pay any actual attention to it.

The boy pulled away the bed cover hastily to the side, making some room for them to sit. And once the white-haired was finished, he noticed that Kanda didn't move even a step away from the door.

"Come have a seat, Kanda." Allen offered as nicely as he could, finally breaking the tense silence.

"No, it's alright. I won't be staying long." The dark-haired declined without a moment of thought. "I just..." He started confidently, but then trailed off, and the sudden uneasiness that appeared on the Japanese's face only confused Allen more.

The boy stood up and approached the other, wondering what it was that the man could be struggling so much with.

This... This wasn't the Kanda he knew. And he wasn't sure how to deal with the person before him right now.

"Kanda...?"

"I just..." The dark-haired closed his eyes and sighed. And once the black orbs looked back at the boy, they were full of determination and... something else that Allen still failed to name. "I'm sorry... for attacking you."

Suddenly, it was as if some kind of spell was broken. All the uneasiness, all the confusion and all the nervousness in Allen – it was gone in a single instant. The boy never thought such simple words would ever make him feel so warm inside.

From that point on, their conversation seemed to... _flow._

"I didn't know what I was doing." Kanda went on, guilt in his voice. "It's when everything was over, I realized what actually happened... What I did..."

"You weren't yourself, I know. I figured as much." Allen gave the man a reassuring smile, giving a soft look. "And after all, it was my fault for jumping in between your fight with Alma to begin with, so..."

"Oh yeah, that _did_ piss the living shit out of me." The dark-haired remarked angrily, and the boy couldn't help but feel taken aback by it. "But still... That was no reason to stab you because of it..."

Allen fell silent for a moment, contemplating the words. It was true that it hurt – and he wasn't sure what hurt more, the physical or the mental part – when he received a blow from Kanda's sword. He tried not to think about it, though, telling himself that the other didn't mean what he did – what he _said_ – as he went all out on him.

Kanda was in a mad daze and despite everything, Allen knew what it was like. He experienced a similar thing at least once in his life – and the last time it happened, it was on the old Ark, when he threw himself at the Earl without thinking twice. One was bound to make mistakes in such a state, losing sight of one's priorities and the perception of what was happening around them.

And now, hearing that Kanda was actually _sorry_ about it...

"I asked for it, you weren't controlling yourself – it's all in the past now." What else could the boy do but reassure the other that it was okay? It's not like he blamed him to begin with... "I'm alive and almost healed. It's not like I haven't been through worse."

The reaction he received was anything the younger of the two expected to hear, though.

"You're been through worse? Are you fucking kidding me?" Kanda suddenly snapped, and Allen had no idea how to react when the Japanese caught him by the wrist, yanking him forward. "Did a comrade stab you in the back ever before?"

The boy only gave the other a confused and worried look.

"I know what it feels like. And knowing you..." The older Exorcist's grip loosened a bit. "Knowing you, you've probably spent every single night weeping over it."

Now Allen wasn't sure whether to feel offended or glad at the harsh words. Offended because the Japanese apparently still took him for some kind of oversensitive weakling and glad because Kanda actually seemed to _care_.

"Well, for your information, I didn't. Maybe I'm not as weak as you picture me to be, Kanda." Allen remarked harshly – maybe a bit too harshly for his own liking. "Stop pitying me."

"I'm not pitying you! I'm just–" The Japanese stopped himself from finishing, the grip on the white-haired boy's wrist tightening again.

"You what?" Allen hissed, frowning at the other, daring him to continue.

But then... then he realized something. And suddenly, all the anger he felt disappeared in a blink of an eye.

"Kanda, could it be that..." The boy started softly. "...could it be that you're worried about me?"

The white-haired figured that the other's lack of answer and the intense (pissed?) stare he's been receiving spoke for itself.

Allen didn't try to stop the man as he ended up pushing him against the wall behind him, ramming a clenched fist into a spot right next to his head. Somehow, the younger Exorcist was positive that the other would miss.

"Why aren't you afraid of me?" The Japanese almost yelled at him, his composure wavering. Was it Allen's lack of reaction that made him explode so? "You've seen what kind of monster I am!"

Kanda's last words did seem to stir some confusion in the other's eyes, though. "Kanda, what... what are you talking about–"

"Don't give me that shit!" The Japanese cut the other off, insistent. "Why the hell did you stay there to begin with? Were flying guts that fun to see?"

And suddenly, everything kicked in. Was this the reason why Kanda gave him that look back then? Was this why he walked away without saying a single word? Was this why he kept avoiding him or the past few days?

He's seen Kanda regenerate back from scratch. And apparently the man must have thought that the sole sight was disgusting and horrid, let alone human. He even considered himself a monster because of it...

"Surely you must have nightmares because of that now!"

But that could only mean one thing.

The dark-haired experienced such a thing, too.

Did the fight with his childhood friend in the past leave him some mental scars? Was that how he looked at it all? When Kanda said that he knew what it feels like to be stabbed by a comrade in the back... did he mean Alma, too?

"...Do you have nightmares, Kanda?"

It was astonishing how a person's mood could change so quickly – from an utterly pissed off one into an utterly confused one. And for a short moment Allen almost felt guilty for asking such a question, even if it was an honest and sincere one.

Before the white-haired boy knew it, the Japanese was standing a few feet away from him, facing in the opposite direction.

"You're hopeless." Kanda remarked half-heartedly, if not a bit angry.

Allen had no idea what actually inclined him to do what he did, but once he moved from the wall and advanced towards the other, he pressed a hand into the Japanese's back. Gently.

He could feel the man stiffening from the gesture, but he didn't move away.

"Thanks for apologizing, though. I'm glad you did... even though I never blamed you for anything to begin with." The younger Exorcist spoke in a soft tone. "But really... I don't blame you and you shouldn't blame yourself, either."

The Japanese didn't say anything back, the room suddenly enveloped in silence.

"And Kanda... you're no monster. I could never think of you in such a way." Allen added as honestly as he could.

"You're just saying that." The older man didn't seem to believe him.

"Did I ever lie to you?" The question did seem to stir something, because Kanda slowly turned around, their gazes locked once again. Encouraged by the fact, Allen smiled and added in a more playful tone: "Someone as pretty as you couldn't be a monster."

This in turn made the Japanese lift an eyebrow, but also– was that a faint blush that the boy noticed there? "...Was that supposed to be a joke?"

"Which part?" Allen's smile only widened.

"Idiot." Kanda suddenly looked away and the white-haired couldn't believe that the man actually seemed embarrassed.

But then, as if out of nowhere, the Japanese's face expression fell – almost as if he were to remember something far from cheerful – and the sadness and hurt that suddenly appeared on the man's face made Allen's smile disappear in an instant. Something coiled inside of the white-haired's stomach at the sight. His heart clenched painfully.

"Well, I should be off." Why did Kanda's words make him feel so disappointed? "It's already late."

Allen wanted to say a lot of things to that.

_I don't mind you being here. I don't mind us talking for the rest of the night. I don't want you to leave. Don't leave. Stay. I want you to stay..._

But the words just couldn't leave his lips.

Kanda gave him one last glance before he turned to leave, and the boy simply stood and watched him in silence as he did so. He wanted to say so much, but... was he afraid? What was he afraid of?

"Kanda." The name tore itself from the younger Exorcist's throat just before Kanda reached for the door handle. "Wait... there's also something... I want to tell you."

The words were uncertain, but they were enough to stop the Japanese and bring his attention back to him.

"There's something I want you to know..." Why was this so hard? Why was he hesitating so? "I know that I'm probably not the right person to tell you this. But..." But now, he was the only person left who could actually do it.

_"DON'T SAY ITTTTT!"_

Allen closed his eyes, trying to push his uncertainties away. "I think you have the right to know."

"What is it?" Kanda asked him, a bit unsure, and when the snow-haired opened his eyes again, he could see the Japanese standing back before him. Both their gazes locked together and the intensity of Kanda's stare made Allen's stomach twirl even harder, almost taking his breath away.

"The person you've been looking for all along..."

_"DON'T SAY ITTTTT!"_

The younger of the two inhaled silently. "You... You've already found that person."

Kanda's eyes widened like he's never seen them on the Japanese before, only confirming his belief that the older man had no clue about it. Was telling this really the right thing to do? He still had no idea...

"What?" The dark-haired asked in disbelief. "Don't tell me..."

Allen only watched as more and more confusion appeared on the other's face as he was apparently trying to put two and two together, and for whatever reason, the boy started to feel bad with himself for bringing up the topic. But...

"Moyashi, you..."

Now it was Allen's turn to look shocked beyond comprehension. All because of the words which left the Japanese as he kept staring at him even more intensely, with a look of uncertainty, confusion and... was it a bit of _hope_?

"Huh?" The white-haired stammered in complete bewilderment. Did... did Kanda just think what he thought he did? "N-No, you idiot! It's... It's not me!"

Despite himself, Allen blushed. Because honestly, how could Kanda... what...

But as soon as the Japanese's shock faded and his face softened, almost as if disappointed by the answer... Allen never thought he'd want to tell the other otherwise so much. He... Oh, God, he wouldn't even mind if...

"Shit, don't tell me..." The white-haired boy snapped out of his thoughts when Kanda suddenly moved his hand to cover his eyes, almost as if he was expecting a headache to kick in. Did the realization finally dawn upon him? "So that's what you were shocked about back then... Shit... why... why didn't he tell me?"

Allen seriously wanted to damn everything to hell and go hug the person before him right now. "He probably wasn't aware of it himself. Until recently..."

That's how he saw it. It could be only either that, or...

"Besides... If Alma were to tell you... what would you do?"

The younger of the two wasn't even sure what he wanted to get at with the question, but...

Silence enveloped the room as Kanda apparently took a moment to think about it.

"...I don't know." It was the only answer he could give.

Allen had no idea why, but the words almost felt as if some kind of hidden permission. Or maybe that's how he wanted to hear and interpret them, because the next second, he was clinging to the Japanese as if he's life depended on it.

And as his embrace tightened and the older man showed no signs of protest, he almost wanted to cry. It felt as if the weight and tension of these past five days had finally started to fall down from his shoulders and the realization that Kanda was standing right before him– and real– and _alive_– finally seemed to dawn upon him.

"I'm sorry I couldn't save him..." Allen swallowed with difficulty as a single tear streaked down his cheek.

Alma was someone special to Kanda, wasn't he? The snow-haired boy wondered if he could ever become someone special to the Japanese as well... Because... he didn't have anyone special anymore, did he? Allen lost someone special long ago, too...

"It's not your fault. No-one could have saved him, so..." The dark-haired trailed off when a choked sob escaped the boy. "Oi, idiot... Why are you crying now?"

Then another choked sob tangled with a chuckle. "…I don't know."

Allen could hear the man sigh before a he felt a soothing friction on his back. "There, there..."

Such a gesture coming from Kanda felt really out of the ordinary, even though his voice sounded slightly irritated and very much like him. The younger of the two couldn't help but calm down, a faint, satisfied smile appearing on his lips. Not like Kanda could see it, considering his face was still buried in the other's shoulder.

"Kanda..."

"Hn?"

"Would you mind... staying for the night here?"

The words left Allen before he even took a moment to think about them and put them together properly, and once they did, he freaked out from the obvious ambiguity in them. ...Or maybe they sounded ambiguous only in his ears? Either way, he dearly hoped that... Kanda wouldn't get the wrong idea–

"Um, I mean–"

"...I don't mind."

Allen's nervousness disappeared in an instant, and he almost stopped for a moment to think if he heard right.

But the moment he figured that he did, and he really did hear the older man's unnaturally gentle voice reach his ears, he couldn't help but wonder... whether he hasn't become someone special to Kanda already.

* * *

**Nayru's Note: **Whether it's something more or just friendship, that's for you guys to decide. ;)


End file.
